Then and Now
by SaturnineSunshine
Summary: I wrote this bc i was deeply depressesd about happened between C/B last eppie-- i wrote this in one night, btw, right after i saw it-- a lot of things are OOC


She had just rejected you. You knew you deserved it, but it still hurt. The only thing that kept you from spiraling downward again was one simple logic based fact. This was not your fault. She said hurtful things. How your father believed in you, how she was there for you too but now it wasn't enough. Flowers weren't enough. Its your uncle's fault. It wasn't your father who set you up, it was him.

There is one thing that is keeping you above water. You aren't drowning because you are back to the old Chuck Bass. Not just the womanizing or boozing. You know a war is brewing. Normally you would have asked her. She would have given you that evil smirk, one that is so similar to your own, and happily obliged to help you in manipulation and destruction, your favorite pasttime. You know this isn't one of those times. This isn't bringing down some girl from the Met steps. This is your family. This is your pride. This is your honor. She's disappointed in you. But she didn't say she didn't love you anymore.

She hurt you. She saw you doing coke in a room with some half naked whores. You called her your wife, making it sound like the dirtiest word ever. Little does she know thats far from the truth. If you were to end up with anyone, it would be her. Little does she know its really your uncle who made it sound dirty. She thinks you don't know, but you do. She thinks you don't know she's back to her old habits, but no one knows her better than you do. She thinks you don't know something disturbing went with your uncle and her, but you do. You know he was there when you should have been. It doesn't matter.

Manipulation has finally come out to play. You will take him down because he has taken everything from you. He has taken your father, he has taken the only thing you have in connection with your father. He has taken her. You promise to get her back. You don't know how, but you know it will happen. Why? Because there was a precise moment in time when you realized you were destined to be together. You don't remember when, but it has already happened. Maybe it was on the stage at Victrola, when she bore herself to you completely. Maybe it was the many times in the back of your limo, where it was only the two of you, you were yourselves, and there were no games, just two souls intertwined. Maybe it was when you ruined her and rejected her, just like she rejected you, with tears in her eyes. Maybe it was when you woke up by her side, after a good night of manipulation. The only thing you are sure of is this: you will bury the man who has tried to bury you and will stop at nothing to win her back... no matter what it takes.

You don't see the coming weeks. You don't see the final thing that will bring you together. All you can think of is the promises you made when you were 15. You were both alone and you both needed each other.

__

Her father left that night. Blair hadn't told anyone, but Chuck knew. He knew because she called him. Nate and Serena were distant or gone. Chuck knew why but couldn't bear to tell anyone. Nate didn't even know he knew.

She was crumpled on the floor of her bathroom. Her headband was ripped of her head. Her cheeks were flushed with tears rolling down them. She sniffed. Chuck knew it wasn't because of the tears, but Blair's sinuses. In her old habbits, everything comes out. Blair's faces was too numb to feel them cascading through her make up.

Blair looked up, defiance in her eyes.

"You shouldn't be here," she snapped. Chuck pursed his lips, his hands thrust in his pockets.

"Who else would have come," Chuck said in a breathy voice. Blair just rested her elbow against the rim of the bowl, with her head in her hand. Her shoulders shook, trying to hide her emotions that were spilling all over the bathroom.

"I don't see anyone else here," she said with defeat.

"I'm here," Chuck said. "Always."

***

"Better already?" Chuck asked, approaching Blair at school the next day. She has had a complete metamorphisis. Her make up is perfect. Every hair is in place with a head band to top it off. She smile was sugar laced with venom to her friends. They don't notice. Chuck did. She had to hold up her image.

Blair casted Chuck a malevolent glare. How dare he mention the events of the night before in public.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Blair said cheerfully evil. Chuck leaned in.

"I see right through you, Waldorf," Chuck whispered dangerously. Blair jerked back, disgust clearly written on her face. "No one sees what I see," Chuck said, walking away from her this time.

"I hate you," Blair said clearly enough that a passerby would notice, but not enough that her friend's do. Her friends noticed nothing. Chuck notices everything. He heard her remark and laughed.

***

Chuck's phone lit up and vibrated. He looked down at the caller ID and saw her name. It was about time.

"Ready to get drunk, yet?" Chuck asked smugly. There was no answer. He didn't expect there to be one. "You know where to find me," he responded to silence. The line went dead. Chuck placed his phone back on The Palace bar top where he was seated. She would be here in a matter of moments.

Weeks go on with this sort of routine. Both Chuck and Blair realized they were sort of each other's best friend. With each other, that was the only place they could be themselves with no judgement. Everyone was always expecting Chuck to be the playboy and everyone was expecting Blair to be perfect. It was tiring on both counts.

The only connection they had was Nate. He's mentally gone now, so they had each other. Chuck knew the reason for his best friend's distance, but he was not about to divulge this information to present company.

Lucky for him, said best friend realizes the error of his ways. Nate goes to her bearing chocolates and apologies. She accepts. This is the pivotal moment where he realizes he yearns for his best friend's girl. Nate could never treasure or take care of her like he could. This is where he feels his first pang of jealousy.

He expects her not to come anymore. She has her perfect man back now, she doesn't need him. He assumed incorrectly. He was right before. No one understands her like he does. No one can replace him.

__

"You think I'm stupid," Blair declares. They are in her room. They are not drunk like most nights. She's had some champagne, but she's as coherent as ever. Chuck looks up at her. They are seated on the floor. They just collapsed there when they came in the door. It may seem devious considering Nate is away at a game, but this is them. Chuck and Blair. Its normal for them.

"You think I don't know he's pining for her," Blair looked at the ground. Chuck didn't say anything. He wished for anything just to tell her the truth. He couldn't bear it. She shouldn't be hearing this from him, especially since he's not supposed to know about it. "He's always had a crush on her."

"Because he's an idiot," Chuck finally chose to say. Its safer that way. They always seem to get back to this conversation, and Chuck always said that. Chuck always convinced herself that she was worthy. Blair just thought that it was Chuck being the best friend. Blair didn't want to think what it could mean. Blair never let her think anything else, because she was supposed to end up with Nate, the perfect guy, no matter how much Chuck meant to her, made her laugh like no one else could, made her skin tingle and heart jump. Chuck made her feel alive, but she didn't want to think about it. Blair wasn't supposed to feel alive. Blair was supposed to marry the golden pretty boy, not his shady, dark, sexy friend.

"What's wrong with me?" she asked again. Chuck inwardly groaned. He hated how Blair had such low self esteem because of her tool of a boyfriend.

"You are perfect, and we well not give honor to your insecurities by speaking of them. So drink up Waldorf," that was the easiest answer too. He could get his point across without telling her that she deserved someone who saw the way she was special and immediately incriminating himself.

"He doesn't see me. Even when he's looking at me, he doesn't see me."

"I don't know how you guys hooked up with that amount of passion..." Chuck starts sarcastically but trailed off when Blair looked to the floor.

"We haven't exactly..." she trailed off as well.

"I know you haven't taken that final step to becoming a woman--" Blair recoiled in disgust, "-- but you do... what is it you do, exactly?" Chuck was actually curious. If Nate's face when he was with Blair was any indication, they did not seem to be doing well in that department.

"Well we kiss, if that's what you mean," Blair looked at Chuck's skeptical raised eyebrows. "I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this," Blair said in wonder. Chuck gave her a half smile.

"Because I'm the only one you've got," he said satisfactorly. "But you don't seem to be high in the passion department," Chuck smiled.

"If that's the least sleezy way you could put it..." Blair muttered. Chuck let an exhale of laughter. But then again, she was looking at him with this weird look in her eyes. "Promise me," she said suddenly.

"Name your terms," Chuck said automatically. Blair smiled.

"This isn't a bet, Bass. I mean it. Do you think we'll always be friends?" She was serious. Chuck wasn't one for the serious conversations. He shrugged. Blair groaned. It sounded good on her. "I mean, you're here for me now. Will you always be?"

"Come on, Waldorf..." he began, but then he saw the pleading in her eyes. "Where exactly, am I going to go?" he asked rhetorically. Blair knew that was about as much answer as she was going to get from her. She seemed satisfied.

"Then tell me what I'm doing wrong." So that was where this conversation was going.

"Nate's dull little mind is a mystery even to me, sweetie," Chuck grinned. Blair looked disappointed.

"But you're still a guy."

"Oh," Chuck got it.

That's

_ what she meant. Honestly, he couldn't imagine the times he had fantasized about this. And this was not how this was supposed to go. He imagined it in the back of his limo, or something. Maybe on the top of The Palace's bar. Not because she wanted to impress her stupid boyfriend who didn't even realize what he was missing._

So you don't see what she really needs because you are too caught up in owning Bass Industries. You win, no surprise there. You are Chuck Bass, of course.

You don't see how her attempt at the destruction of a Shakespeare teacher is really a cry for help. She's trying to cover her tracks. You're trying to ignore the pain that you've once again inflicted on each other. She's trying desperately to get into Yale. She ignores her own cry for help. You knew it was happening, but you got caught up in recent events.

You should be angry at her when she finally comes to see you, but you're not. She crushed your heart in the ground with her expensive stilletos. You know she is hurting, just as you were when she promised to stand by you.

Even when she abandoned you to save herself after that declaration, she still fails at the saving herself part. You are back on track. You're the Chuck Bass that everyone loves and misses. She loves and misses you most of all. She needs you most of all.

She doesn't have to explain how she flushed away her feelings and emotions with the rest of the contents of her stomach. She doesn't have to explain the drama that went on with your uncle. She doesn't have to explain how she loves you, she never stopped. A grand speech is probably supposed to come out right now, but nothing does.

You can tell by the look in her eyes that she's afraid that you will send her on her way through the elevators with the thrown roses at her feet like what happened weeks ago. You couldn't bear seeing her walk out of her life probably for the last time if you screwed up once again.

Nothing really matters from that moment on. Everything is still. Everything has perfect clarity. Everything is still the same. You still don't remember when you realized that you two were destined. But this is the moment you realize she knows this too.


End file.
